The results are in! The winner of the “Which of these things are you most fed up with?” poll is: a tie between “partisan bickering” and “polls telling you how fed up you are about things.” If we combined these two things into a Frankenstein’s Monster of fedupidness we have an unstoppable force of “partisan bickering over polls telling you how fed up you are about things.”

- E=MC²

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Sarah Palin closed strong to finish with 52 percent of the vote, defeating A Shirtless Michael Moore Wearing Nipples Tassels (37 percent), Strip Clubs (7 percent), and Prostitution (4 percent) in our “Which of these is the most demeaning to women?” poll. For the sake of women everywhere, we hope she selves her desire to write a book about “American values. “ Now, if you don’t mind, the imagined image of Michael Moore with nipple tassels has to be purged from our brains.  But to show we’re not demeaning women, we’ll just stick to reading the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (no votes).

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The winner of the “What kind of undergarment would a true “maverick” politician wear?” poll, with an overwhelming 58% of the vote, is “Underwear? Real mavericks go commando.” Armed with this knowledge we demand that in the upcoming election cycle any politician claiming to be a maverick get in front of a televised audience, drop their pants, and prove their credentials or never claim to be a maverick again. Honestly, for the sake of our nation’s children, we hope most politicians just refrain from any maverick claims.

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Because the majority of people are divided amongst whether “radical partisanship,” “the influence of lobbyists and special interests groups,” or “the blind voting for the blind” are the biggest problem with the American political system, the biggest problem has been determined to be…Squirrels. To help us rectify this bane upon our government we, E=MC², call upon Mike Huckabee to purchase a new popcorn popper and help us show these squirrels we mean business. We’re not going to take any more of their adorable, tail-waving, acorn-scavenging crap!

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The winner of the “Which news source lies least?” poll is The Onion, with “The crazy guy on that street corner with the underwear on his head” coming in a close second.  Word is “underwear guy” is now being sought by Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN to be an on-air correspondent to provide a boost in ratings and legitimacy.

- E=MC²

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