The following transcription was from a meeting recorded by hidden camera and microphone in a liquor bottle and cigar gift bouquet from E=MC²:

Senator Wastrel T. Porkbarrel closed the blinds, then the drapes, and sat in his chair. His desk lamp the only illumination.

“As the newest page, you need to know a few things,” the Senator said.

“Yes, sir. I am happy to be part of the solution.”

“Ahem,” he scratched his chinny-chin-chin, “maybe we start there. Why do you think we’re here?”

“We?”

“Senators. Legislators.”

“To solve the peoples’ problems?”

“We are here to get reelected, not to solve problems.” (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Pig ‘n a Page" »

Sarah Palin closed strong to finish with 52 percent of the vote, defeating A Shirtless Michael Moore Wearing Nipples Tassels (37 percent), Strip Clubs (7 percent), and Prostitution (4 percent) in our “Which of these is the most demeaning to women?” poll. For the sake of women everywhere, we hope she selves her desire to write a book about “American values. “ Now, if you don’t mind, the imagined image of Michael Moore with nipple tassels has to be purged from our brains.  But to show we’re not demeaning women, we’ll just stick to reading the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (no votes).

Continue reading "“Which of these is the most demeaning to women?” Poll Results" »

D

Democrat (n): Political equivalent of a Crip.

R

Republican (n): Political equivalent of a Blood.

Revolutionary (n): 1) Dissatisfied member of the opposition to a government in power, willing to use violence to the point of dying in the attempt to change the regime. 2) In America, people who frequently call in on talk radio programs. 

To view the complete Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary and to offer new definitions (and in doing so, entering in our latest contest) go here.

Continue reading "Update to The Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary 03/04/10" »

The following write-up won Professor Sandy Dolomite the No-Bull Pieces Prize for original research in Political (ahem) Science.

Title

Man’s Advancement in 113 Years Since Mark Twain’s Experiment

Abstract

An ideologically diverse group of individuals is locked into a reality television room and observed to retest Mark Twain’s assertion that man is the lowest animal. Given certain ambiguities, a roomful of kindergartners was used as one control group and a cage full of animals was used as another. The tested presumption is that highly evolved 21st century humans, in full possession of political correctness (PC) will behave civilly. The preliminary result seems that PC has no effect.

Introduction

With the evolution of political correctness, will a diverse group of political ideologues, locked together in a reality television show learn to get along in comparison to a control group of kindergarteners? (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Still the Lowest" »

C

Campaign Ad (n): A short work of fiction usually presented on TV during an election. Much like pro wrestling, the makers of these ads try to convey a sense of “realism,” expecting the viewer to actually buy the idea that what they’re seeing and hearing is the truth. Fortunately, anyone with an IQ higher than a five-year-old’s knows that both are fake. (submitted by Long-haired guy)

H

History (n): A vast wealth of knowledge, ideas, and examples of success and failure that provides invaluable tools for learning, but is often completely ignored by politicians. (From submission by Long-haired guy)

L

Lobbying (v): 1) An activity associated with legislative mercenaries. (submitted by Jim) 2) Back-alley screwing. (submitted by Jim)

Lobbyist (n): 1) A legislative mercenary. (submitted by Jim) 2) A form of life (debatable?) employed by dark forces and tasked to troll the Capitol while plying politicians with gifts and guidance. (submitted by Jim)

S

Shoe (n): A failed weapon of mass destruction (Richard Reed). (submitted by Long-haired guy)

Straw poll (n): When done three years before an election, a way of determining which candidate will be put into the Wicker Man and sacrificed so the real candidate will emerge two and half years later.

To view the complete Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary and to offer new definitions (and in doing so, entering in our latest contest) go here.

Continue reading "Update to The Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary 02/25/2010" »