C² sat despondent at a desk in E=MC²’s secret lair, disregarding the laptop computer in front on him, when E and M returned from hunting down zombie rabbits that had risen three days after their deaths to bite the heads off of marshmallow peeps. 

“What’s wrong C²?” asked E.

“Anything eating zombie bunny stew would help?” asked M.         

“I doubt it,” said C², “my former high school asked me to give a graduation address to the students.”

“Why did they ask you?” questioned E.

“I fibbed on my Classmates.com profile and said I helped co-found a successful website.”

“Ours?” said E.

“I said ‘successful’.”

“Which website did you say you helped found.”

C² turned off screen saver and turned the computer towards them. (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Oh the Places You Shouldn’t Go…" »

His name was E. Sophagus Marianas.  He worked for an unnamed legislator,and was rumored as the only person on the planet who had read both H.R. 3590 and 3962.  The meeting that changed C²’s life began, ironically, in an emergency room. Marianas was there to be treated for thousands of paper cuts, while C² had some aftershave lotion replaced with a tube of super powerful adhesive by E, so his hands were stuck in his pants.

As Marianas sat at the edge of his seat, lifeblood leaking slowly on the floor, and C² sat carefully on his left cheek, trying not to break his right wrist, they talked.  Marianas explained the theory of triple constraints, a long established reality of engineering, construction, and systems in the real world.

“Look C², it’s very simple. In any system you can control the price or the exact features or how long to get something done.  It’s like a triangular teeter-totter, only two of the corners can touch the ground at a time. Make sense?”

C₂ nodded. “I can control price and what service I receive, but not when” He held up one finger. “Or I can control price and when I get help but not what I get.” He held up a third finger, momentarily glad he didn’t need to use the hand glued to his backside, “Or I can control what I get and when, but not how much it costs?”

“Right.”

C² thought for a moment. “So how is that different from today?” (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Infinite Possibilities" »

After the recording of Senator Wastrel T. Porkbarrel, E=MC² decided to set up their video and audio equipment in their secret lair of tripartisan collaboration and film themselves to see if it would be worthy to post on YouTube. The following transcript came from one of the recordings:

“What are you doing home so early?” M asked C² as C² entered the secret liar.

“I quit my job as a cubicle monkey at the local petting zoo,” C² replied, setting a fishing pole against the wall.

“What? Why? And what’s with the fishing pole?”

“Well, while I was flinging accounting poo at the project managers, I overheard a co-worker talking about how all these fairies that voted for Obama are taking his hard earned money so they can live the easy life and fish. So I figured, heck, I don’t want to work if I don’t have to, so I decided to do like these mythical voting-faeries do and quit my job so I can live off Bob-Jim’s paycheck like them.” (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Hoping for Change" »

G

Governor (n): 1) On a rental truck, the device that keeps it in the slow lane. 2) An elected official who serves the same function for a state.

K

Kool-Aid (n): 1) A sickeningly-sweet, chemical-flavored infusion of political belief that it is required be consumed prior to access to any government money or power. 2) During the ’60’s, a drink spiked with mind-twisting, logic-shattering hallucinogens that made you see “make believe” and think it was real. (Editor’s note: We can’t see a difference between the definitions.)

P

Press Conference (n):  1) An executive or legislative attempt to use the media to force an opinion on the public like an iron-on patch.  2) An advertisement for a new flavor of Kool-Aid.  3) Rarely, an informative meeting between an official and members of the press.

V

Voting Machine (n): 1) An incumbent’s best friend. 2) A symbol of unspeakable dread, terror, and unimaginable personal violation for folks who can’t alter the programming with “New Voter Math.” (for Amy)

To view the complete Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary and to offer new definitions go here.

Continue reading "Update to The Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary 03/11/2010" »

The results are in! The winner of the “Which of these things are you most fed up with?” poll is: a tie between “partisan bickering” and “polls telling you how fed up you are about things.” If we combined these two things into a Frankenstein’s Monster of fedupidness we have an unstoppable force of “partisan bickering over polls telling you how fed up you are about things.”

- E=MC²

Continue reading "Poll Results: Which of these things are you the most fed up with?" »