Oh the Places You Shouldn’t Go…
C2 sat despondent at a desk in E=MC2’s secret lair, disregarding the laptop computer in front on him, when E and M returned from hunting down zombie rabbits that had risen three days after their deaths to bite the heads off of marshmallow peeps.
“What’s wrong C2?” asked E.
“Anything eating zombie bunny stew would help?” asked M.
“I doubt it,” said C2, “my former high school asked me to give a graduation address to the students.”
“Why did they ask you?” questioned E.
“I fibbed on my Classmates.com profile and said I helped co-found a successful website.”
“Ours?” said E.
“I said ‘successful’.”
“Which website did you say you helped found.”
C2 turned off screen saver and turned the computer towards them.
“Women-of-the-Tea-Party-dot-com?” said M.
E clutched his eyes, “Ah! All the old, saggy, angry, white flesh! I’m blind! I’m blind!”
M, quick with his medical expertise, grabbed a tender part of E’s flesh, and twisted, giving him a purple nurple.
“Ouch! Wrong one! Now I can’t hear!” yelled E.
M rubbed his hands together like Mr, Miyagi, took a deep inhalation of air, and then leapt on E, attacking his chest with both hands. After M purpled both of E’s nurples, E’s sight and hearing returned.
“Are you guys done? I need some help,” said C2.
“What’s the big deal, just write something about being a shining beacon for the future, throw a joke or two in there, and it’ll be fine,” said E.
“Yeah, but that’s all crap,” said C2.
“What do you mean?” said M.
“Listen,” began C2, “I heard the same pabulum at my graduation. But it’s all a damn lie. There isn’t some bright future that I’m going to be a leader of.”
“Well, other people might,” said E.
“Yeah, but it’s just going to be a clone of who’s running things now, and it’ll probably be the same jerks that were supposedly running things in high school.”
“Yeah…wait…what?” asked M.
“Nothing’s changed,” said C2.
“What do you mean?” asked E.
“Are you kidding? Adults don’t behave any differently than they did in high school. The only different is they’re fatter. Have you looked up your former classmates on Facebook? Everyone has swelled but they’re still the same petty people. It’s like that everywhere.”
“You really think so?” asked M.
“Look around, there’s enough evidence to convince twelve people too dumb to get out of jury duty. The most popular television show is nothing more than a glorified talent contest. The freaking vapid beauty queen is still blowing off all her responsibilities but no one cares so long as she gives them the time of day. Everyone still pays way too much attention to what the jocks are doing with their sticks and balls and venerate them for doing nothing of true import. Everyone still divides themselves by labels, but instead of jocks, geeks, nerds, and popular kids, people use Republican, Democrat, liberal, conservative, and, heaven forbid, Real-American, to differentiate themselves into groups for the comfort of a social circle and to look down on the other groups. And we still have a bunch of bullying pricks who think social discourse is trying to intimidate others by shouting them down, calling them derogatory names, or threatening them with physical violence. It’s like everyone needs to be sent to detention on a Saturday so they can get to know each during a John Hughes inspired dance sequence. But that’s not going to happen because no Real-American wants to be stuck in a room with an elitist, I mean, nerd, and…”
C2 fell to the ground, face red, gasping for air.
“Damn,” said E.
“You alright?” asked M.
“No, I’m not,” said C2, “I still don’t know what I’m going to say at the graduation.”
“Did you graduate with honors?” asked M.
“I graduated ‘Make-Em-GoAway’.”
“Good job,” said E, “think you’ll be able to pull the speech off?”
A grin crossed C2’s face, “Yeah.”
“Oh no,” said M.
Coming soon to a high school graduation near you:
“…so in conclusion, graduates, take this to heart: Your parents, the adults, the politicians and your future employers are liars. All the petty, inane, vindictiveness, stress, and strife you’ve put up with isn’t going to change. It’ll get worse. But there may be hope for your future. Ignore us. Don’t buy into our crap. We’re full of it. We’ve created an illusion of competence and a world where smart, ambitious people can make a difference. It’s all a lie. You have to overthrow us. All of us. We are all guilty. Heck, create actual death panels if you have to. If you want the future to be yours, you’ll have to take it. Because if you don’t, you are never going to truly graduate.
If you are not up to the task, I’ve taken it upon myself you include a cyanide tablet with your diplomas if you need to take the easy way out.
Congratulations class of 2010!”
- E=MC2
