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Having escaped an angry ape after infiltrating the sancta sanctorum of smoky backroom decision making with the knowledge of the paper-rock-scissors-ocracy we live in, we rested in an alley, our hearts pumping like maracas at the Rumba Shaking Olympics.
“Are we sure the gorilla is gone?” asked C2.
E looked around the corner, “Yeah.”
We let our hearts settle to a slower beat and we emerged from the alley a few minutes later.
“Why does the Washington Monument have blue letters down the side of it?” asked M.
“V-I-A-G-R-A? C2, did you replace the sugar we scoop on our cereal with hallucinogens again?” asked E.
“No, I ran out,” said C2 as he picked up a newspaper that was blowing by on the street.
“The date on the paper is March 2nd, 2013,” said C2.
“Wait…what? Where did the last three years go?” asked M.
The headline read, “US to Retire National Debt by 6/30.”
E and M looked at each other in confusion while C2 read aloud, “Ted Turner announced from the Federal Office of Endorsement and Sponsorship that only twenty percent of federal structures and twelve percent of departments lack either endorsement or sponsorship. Once appropriate sponsors are found, those last few should be sufficient to retire the Chase National Debt by the mandated date.”
We climbed the steps to the Lincoln Mutual Memorial to get a clearer view of the transformed capital. Significant exterior renovation had changed the executive dwelling and was now the White Castle House. The reflecting pool on the mall had been remodeled with a giant mosaic and letters into the Windex Reflecting Pool.
We climbed onto the roof of the memorial, where with a five-dollar admittance fee we could ride the Bridgestone Ferris Wheel located at the top. We took a spin so we could rubberneck from the heights. M and E fought over the binoculars and eventually just settled on one eyepiece apiece. The Taco Bell Burrito Supreme Court Building stood proudly in the sun, ready for the Queso Chief Justice and his multi-flavored 8-layer Nacho Justices to dispense wise and crunchy judgments across the land.
Bright colors from the Capitol Building drew our gaze when the ride finished. What we at first took to be tourists in outlandish colors were actually senators and congressional representatives taking full advantage of the bright sun to shoot commercials. The multicolored patches all over their legislative jump suits made them appear as if they were NASCAR drivers with sponsor patches covering them from hither-to-thither.
A new and improved Nancy Pelosi beamed at the camera with a smile of extra minty freshness with “Vanna hands” highlighting the Crest logo on her suit’s left breast. The Kansas Senators, a few steps away, struggled to be believable emblazoned with Depends and Cialis ads because the youngsters lacked Bob Dole’s credibility. Harry Reid was fitted with Dr. Scholl’s and Scope patches while re-elected and reborn Senator Edwards was less enthusiastic about his prophylactic and family law sponsorships. But, at least he did not need to speak from the Tidy Bowl floor of the House, but instead from the Velveeta floor of the Senate, where journalists and editors came up with no end of cheese puns in reference to the proceedings. Many of them were discussing the latest results of the Coca-Cola legislative commission blind taste test they used to tell which laws would be the most palatable to voters.
Feeling overwhelmed with the onslaught of legislative product placement, we ducked into the Apple iBrary of Congress and went directly for a computer to take a Google/Safari for an informational guide of Federal Commercial Endorsements.
We found:
The Pfizer Food and Drug Administration
The Beef, It’s What’s for Dinner/Ortho Department of Agriculture
The Pepto Bismol Department of the Interior
The ExxonMobil/Texaco /Shell Department of Energy
The Fleet Department of State
The Xe Department of Defense
and
The Parker Bros. Monopoly Securities Exchange Commission
The branches of the military were affected too. The Air Force was now the Red Bull Air Force, the Nike Army presumably swooshes into battle in record time, while the Thompson’s Water Seals apparently provide superior Special Forces protection. We didn’t get the Little Debbie Marines, though. On the Tampax National Guard, we decided to withhold our judgment of propriety until spring flood season, but the Hi-C Navy we could live with. We weren’t surprised NASA embraced Tang.
The Burger King Office of the President and the Toyota Department of Transportation seemed unremarkable but the X-Box Department of Education was unnerving.
While conducting our research, we noticed the computer we were using had a problem with the number “2″ key. The @ sign had disappeared and been replaced with the AT&T logo, so now the entire internet ran transformed email addresses, so now ours were “our names”(AT&T logo)aminal-farm.com.
We left the iBrary, sat dejected on the edge of the street, and wondered who had kicked dignity to the curb. We hadn’t expected our public servants to take the Burrito Supreme Court’s overturning of campaign finance law and turn into complete sellouts. Then M began to notice the product placements fading out of his vision.
“I think we are hallucinating,” he said.
“I told you I ran out of that stuff,” said C2.
“I think it’s something else. E, what were they smoking in that smoke-filled room while they played paper-rock-scissors?”
“They looked like cigars, but with money as the wrapping leaf.”
“I wonder what was inside those,” said M.
“I don’t care. I need to get somewhere before it ends,” said C2, picking up a flier.
“Where?” asked M.
“Scott Brown sold his former American Idol contest daughter to Go Daddy and they’re doing the shoot right now. I got to check this out,” said C2 before sprinting down the Verizon National Mall.
“Wait up!” said E.
“I don’t think he can hear you, now,” M said.
Sadly, the streets of 2010 Washington DC reappeared before they could make it to the shoot. However, we did a collective sigh of relief that we hadn’t lost three years of lives and for the knowledge our elected officials were still putting our welfare above anything as petty as commercial influences.
- E=MC2
