Paper-Rock-Scissors
One of the biggest questions staring down our elected officials like an enraged silverback gorilla as they approach the mid-term elections in the coming months is, “How do we reverse the current trend of the national debt?” Just about every day there is a story, blog, rap, quip, tweet, cave drawing, or grunt on the matter. But, all of these things, when coming from the elected officials, just sounds like more Ppam, with vague hints about bipartisan solutions. Since we don’t accept Ppam out of hand, we sought out the mystical smoke-filled room to find out what’s being done to address a question so many seem to be trying to answer through mere lip-service and chest-thumping.
Getting in was not an easy task. We needed to look like we belonged. Taking a cue from James O’Keefe of ACORN pimp story fame, we decided to dress the part. E claimed a Viking costume complete with horned-helmet and axe, M went with a traditional colonial get-up, and C2, finding the costume trunk bare, cut eye holes out of a sheet and pretended to be the ghost of the budget surplus’ past. Our clever disguises got us past the outer layer of security but the inner layer was too heavy with people wearing earbuds to get into the smoke-filled room. It was going to be perilous even to get a glimpse through a window. Fortunately, our dear friend, Mr. O’Keefe, was able to lend a hand. After we convinced him to dress up like an overweight documentary filmmaker looking for answers by rudely getting into people’s faces, security was distracted with pummeling him long enough that we were able to sneak around to a high window. We then formed a living E=MC2 totem pole of a Viking, over a colonial, held up by a cartoonish ghost, so E could get a good look.
Inside he discovered the President and the Senate Majority and Minority leaders, Henry Reid and Mitch McConnell, trying to take the initial steps towards a bipartisan budget compromise that would address the debt, social programs, and taxes. They decided to determine where the conversation about the budget would start with a simple game of Paper-Rock-Scissors. On three they threw their choices. The President threw rock, because the government needed to smash the debt. Reid threw paper, because his party’s constituents demanded certain social programs to cover a wide range of people, which beat the President’s rock. McConnell threw scissors, saying his constituents demand tax cuts and to cut back on what they considered to be a growing welfare state, which defeated the Reid’s paper as the place to start. But, the President pointed out that his rock-of-debt-smashing may demand greater sacrifice on part of the citizenry, so it crushed McConnell’s scissors. They were at a stalemate.
So, they tried again. All three threw the same thing. Rock for the President, paper for the Reid, and scissors for McConnell. They tried again. Again, they came up with the same result. The President wanted answers.
“For the American people to have faith in their institutions, and thereby allow me to be re-elected, we need to address the debt,” he said.
Reid replied, “But for me to get re-elected I can’t turn my back on the desires of my constituents.”
“Ditto,” said McConnell.
They decided to try one more time to figure out which topic would be the starting point for their discussions. The same result occurred.
At this point, Reid noticed McConnell’s hand was bound by a clear cord so he always threw scissors. Then the President pointed out Reid super-glued his fingers and thumb together so he would always throw paper and McConnell discovered the President used scotch tape to hold his hand in a fist. All three of them said they did so in order to not stray from the core beliefs of what they were told their constituents (the people that voted for them) wanted from the latest poll data. None of them were willing to take off the tape, unwrap the cords, or pry open their fingers.
An argument about who was being more partisan than who ensued. E said he wasn’t sure who went on the offensive first but the dispute quickly degraded into a Three Stooges combat. Reid used his paper hand to smack McConnell, who poked the President in the eyes with his scissor fingers, and the President smote Reid on the head with his rock. After 15 minutes, all three were blind, slapped, karate-chopped, and punched silly.
That’s when E noticed an angry gorilla as big as the national debt had climbed down from the roof above and was looking in the window too.
“Ahh! What should we do about this thing!” shouted E.
“Run back C2!” said M.
“No, we should go left!” replied C2.
“No! Right! Right! Go right!” exclaimed E.
Stunned with indecision we counted 1-2-3 and threw. E tossed scissors, M threw rock, and C2 threw paper. Our totem pole tumbled to the ground as we tried to run away from the gorilla in opposing directions. The gorilla looked confused, unable to determine who to take its wrath out on with the three of us scattered on the lawn and the politicians inside knocked senseless. Fortunately, the Press Secretary showed up. The gorilla grabbed him and ran off to climb The Washington Monument as the Press Secretary screamed in horror.
We don’t feel too bad for the Press Secretary as recent history has shown them to be the most disposable official in an administration. They’re changed out almost as often as the oil in a car. But, we do wish him well in his quest to walk normally again. The gorilla and the question about the national debt remain at large.
- E=MC2
