Global Warming Might Not Be So Bad
We could not help but notice, as we played with the new, improved aluminum foil on the high-tech programmable rabbit ears to unfreeze the image of the evening news and remove the digital leprosy from Katie’s face after C2 had chainsawed the first rabbit ears during his vision quest, the talking heads discussing climate change. They agreed it was bad.
On our farm, the weather in the winter is sometimes cold and mostly dry. Sometimes we get a little moisture as snow in the spring and during fall. In the summer, it can get a mite toasty and really dry. We often see rocks dry out, turn to dust, and float away. No one thought to ask us if we considered climate change bad, so we went in search of local expertise to discuss this notion.
Professor Sandy Dolomite, who teaches geology at the local community college and sheep-shearing station, said that all the warm periods of the past few billion years were very wet periods with immense plant growth and unbelievable carrying capacity (lots of giant plant eaters living on lots of giant plants).
Next, we talked to Ray ZerBach, the town barber with his sheep-shearing doctorate displayed proudly in his shop. Since everyone talks to him, he seems to know a bit about everything. He said most of the local farms rely on wells since we don’t get enough precipitation. That means that like the poor scraggly rose bush he struggles to keep alive the local farmers suffer from poor, scraggly crops if they don’t get irrigation water. He also said an anthropologist who talked to a customer who once had his haircut by Ray’s grandfather said that bones of really big plant eaters were found nearby back when Ray’s grandfather’s great uncle owned the shop. So, our area would become wetter instead of dryer.
Armed with this information, we approached Chester White, the county extension agent and asked him what the impact might be on our farm of this seemingly universally condemned condition of global warming.
“Hmmm,” said Chester, “More water, so we need less irrigation? Well, sounds like a win-win to me. Does it give us a longer growing season, too?”
“Well, supposedly so, since the warming would cause the plants to flower earlier in the spring.”
“Then you can count me in. What can I do to help?”
We didn’t know. So, we went to ask May Shan, who works at the Rita Booker Library. She researched the problem for us in the various celebrity news magazines and found the following results, which kept us from getting too carried away.
87% of Blonde Pop Singers with Long Hair and Starlets with Silicone Enhancements agreed: “Global warming is, like really-really bad?”
92% of the Studs ‘n’ Buds who date these Pop ‘n’ Starlets said:
“Like, whoa, Dude! She, like, read a book by one of those old almost president guys.”
23% of Celebrities asked: “Why is there no good butterscotch anymore?”
These were all valid points in contrast to the information we researched locally as alternative points of view. All politics, as they say is local, yet all climate is not. Why is that? Why can’t we lobby for a bit of global warming to wet our climate locally? So, we decided to ask around and see if we were just being selfish or if the side effects were acceptable to our neighbors.
Here are a few of the things we found out from our neighbors:
1) According to television, salsa from New York is inferior and anyyone who lives in Queens or Brooklyn is a walking, real-world sit-com character. We don’t like sitcoms. Plus, “The Donald” lives there and the bankers there screwed us so a rising sea level is a good thing in that case.
2) Most people don’t listen to Jazz, so why do we need New Orleans? (The Saints can come play on our farm. We’ll kick the current team out.)
3) New Hampshire and New Jersey both have the word “New” in them. Also, New Jersey, according to New York, could best be described as a cesspool, and most don’t even know where New Hampshire is on a map, so it can’t be that important. So they can go.
4) California is about to fall off the edge of the country due to an earthquake making it just a matter of time anyway, so its fate is of little consequence.
5) The coast is currently a thousand miles away. That’s 1,609 point 344 kilometers away, which sounds way further. That’s two days of the kids in the back seat saying:
“Are we there yet?”
“Arewethereyet?”
“I’ve-gotta-pee.”
“RWeThrYt” (texted from the backseat by the three-year-old)
“Johnny Pee-ed,”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I did.”
“Great, now we have to pull over and clean off the seat.”
“Are we there yet?” (Rinse and repeat.)
Given that we have all experienced this in some form we agreed it would be better if the ocean were closer to us to cut down on the number of times that conversation occurs. Also, the property we purchased in Arizona from that nice salesman might become beachfront like he promised.
6) A 12-year-old pointed out that Florida has a “naughty shape” so the map would be more politically correct if it changed shape.
7) If part of Central America flooded over and separated us from South America it might slow down immigration and prevent road trips where the kids come back stars of DVD’s that show them partying.
8) The Alaskan Governor’s office confirmed a rising ocean would move Russia further away from us, making it less of a threat.
So, on the basis of “think locally, act locally” in terms of global warming and our neighbors advice, we reached the conclusion that those of you who want colder weather should drive a hybrid car, recycle, and eat organic food. While those of us in favor of more water on our farm should drive a bigger truck, burn tires, and don’t eat food that doesn’t come in a wrapper or cardboard, except meat.
Save the foil for the TV ears!
- E=MC2
