Our Immodest Proposal

The other day we bought genuine Rolldek watches based on an e-mail solicitation that our system filters erroneously labeled as spam from the assistant Secretary of Commerce for the African nation of Gabon. (Or is that just a state in the country of Africa? Candidate geography is so confusing.) The timepieces are ingenious. They are made entirely out of male sexual performance pharmaceuticals. They run like champion Kenyan marathon runners, although they came with a warning that if the big hand stays at noon for over four hours to seek medical help. We’re not sure what that means, but when E was browsing a sporting goods store and walked by the camping goods, all the tents leapt out of the boxes and pitched themselves. The store employees weren’t happy with us, but we contacted the lawyer that works with our Nigerian banker and he thinks we’re clear of any liability.

Later, while standing on the side of road, having to pull M’s Priapus-hybrid vehicle, part internal combustion and part open floor like something out of the Flintstones, off to the side when M inexplicably started to go blind, we talked about the much maligned place in our society of internet spam, not to be confused with the hammy-delight in a blue can, and how we have endless hours of software engineering and rules construction to filter the information stream to exclude spam.

The conversation digressed to another similarly broadcast communication of largely fictitious content that we receive nearly every day through other media besides the web: Promises by Politicians in America. We dubbed this content “Ppam.”

Looking over the history of Ppam, it is probably responsible for more voter cynicism and for more citizens turning away from the political process than any other factor. Therefore, in the spirit of spam filtering we believe we should make an attempt at Ppam filtering. Our suggestion would be to couple two problems in crafting this solution and maybe solve both.

As part of political rhetoric we hear a lot about accountability. However, what we see is, for example, current politicians passing health, safety, and climate regulations that will phase in over the next 16 to 40 years. How’s that accountable when they’ll be long out of office if not dead? Not to mention the exception clauses. But we think there is a more direct way to assign accountability to our erected, excuse us, elected officials and at the same time help reduce the national debt.

We think we need to tax politicians differently. We would like it to be simple, unlike the system they thrust upon us, and easy to understand, again, unlike what they push. A politician’s income would be multiplied by the decimal portion of the Ppam he or she fully accomplishes in their annual sojourn to the swamps of power on the national, state, and local levels. That would be the income they get to keep, the rest, would be the amount taxed for unfulfilled Ppam.

Since most politicians make some contradictory promises to opposing groups we know they will never be able to fully deliver on or claim that they will “change the way Washington works”, they would already be on the hook for the Ppam tax. Also, any politician that belongs to one of the two primary political factions that claims to be a maverick outsider would have an additional Ppam tax percentage added on. Many politicians have generated large quantities of Ppam over generations through their continuous machinations and hand-me-down legislation, which means their Ppam tax would carry over for years after they leave office and be applied to their pensions.

The IRS could enforce the Ppam tax by contracting various fact-checking groups and examining voting records to determine if each representative is following through with their Ppam. Now, to ensure Ppam taxes can’t be mucked with too much, so that the spin doctors employed by parties and news networks don’t become akin to accountants looking for exceptions, some ballot legislation may have to be enacted, but we think if our readership were to undertake something like this, some things are easy to get onto ballots, and we feel there might be some populist support behind it.

If, like enhancement drugs, the politician delivers on his Ppam, then life that year is tax-free. It is a safe bet no politician will ever be granted a tax-free annum, but maybe the national debt will be paid down a bit through the Ppam tax. Or maybe the politicians will become wiser in what they say and stop bombarding our ear drums with so much worthless Ppam that we can stop suffering from the side effects.

- E=MC²