The Aminal Farmer's Dictionary

Aminal Farmer's Dictionary We, E=MC², like Ambrose Bierce, have come to the conclusion the Oxford English Dictionary and internet searches are insufficient for cataloguing the various meanings of words and phrases (we know the internet didn’t exist in Bierce’s day, we’re just waiting for Al Gore to also invent time travel). So, to assist linguists, scholars, and laypersons alike, we are starting “The Aminal Farmer’s Dictionary.” This is for all the fine citizenry of, and visitors to, the United Farm of Aminals. If you have a term or phrase that you feel the modern era has not fully defined, please submit your definition for a new term or phrase, or an additional definition to ones already in the AFD to us either by commenting on this post or by contacting us. Submissions that meet the proper criteria of being either insightful, witty, clever, or making us laugh so hard we spew coffee out our noses (or in C²’s case, hard liquor) will be placed in the official AFD for all to read, with proper credit going to where proper credit is due. So, help us drag the English language kicking and screaming to the slaughterhouse by adding to the terms and phrases below. Thank you for assisting us in this enterprise.

“A simpler, better time…” (phrase, revised): A time in a person’s past when their ignorance multiplied by their bliss was equal or greater than their current age plus nostalgia.

Abortion (n): 1) A divisive social issue. 2) A medical procedure whose timeframe in the case of the parents of politicians needs to be extended from the 2nd or 3rd to the 240th trimester.

Appalachian Trail, the (n): The treacherous metaphysical path of deceit a politician must travel in order to go spelunking down Mistress’s Cavern.

Bailout (n and v): Having the other children in the class fork over part of their lunch money to the class bully who “forgot” his in the vain hope he will not try to steal more from the smaller children during recess.

Bipartisan (adj): 1) The political version of bi-curious. 2) An inclusive viewpoint of governance that many politicians grow out of during their time in office due to the realization they are taking it in both ends from the partisans.

Blue Dog (n and adj): A creation caused by splicing the DNA of a social conservative with that of a fiscal liberal resulting in an incorrigible mutt that won’t stop sniffing your crotch whether you are at work or in your bedroom.

Bureaucracy (n): Originally, rule-by-drawer, now, rule by people wearing under-drawers on their heads in lieu of thought. (submitted by Jon)

Campaign Ad (n): A short work of fiction, usually presented on TV during an election. Much like pro wrestling, the makers of these ads try to convey a sense of “realism,” expecting the viewer to actually buy the idea that what they’re seeing and hearing is the truth. Fortunately, anyone with an IQ higher than a five-year-old’s knows that both are fake. (submitted by Long-haired guy)

Capitol (n): The building where you go to buy Senators and Congresspersonages. (submitted by Rooter)

Committee (n): 1) A gathering of legislators that ravage the voters’ trust, with complete secrecy and no accountability, much as a passed out sorority girl is by a rabid pack of fraternity boys. (Submitted by Chip) 2) An abattoir for pre-election idealism and all good intention. (Submitted by Chip)

Constitution (n): 1) For the executive and legislative branches, a roadblock. 2) Occasionally confused by politicians with a holy text as to which is being swore on to upload the other. 3) Commonly referred to by upstart little politicians from Texas as “Just a goddamn piece of paper”, usually in an attempt to justify illegal wire taps and waterboarding. (submitted by Michael)

Deficit (n): The financial hole a country digs itself into when its government tries to make a ditch big enough to please all of its constituents all of the time.

Democrat (n): Political equivalent of a Crip.

Elitist (n and adj): 1) Someone with a better education than you that you do not agree with. 2) FCC-approved euphemism for a$$<BEEP!>.

Expert (n and adj): 1) Someone with a better education than you that you do agree with. 2) A term that, due the machinations of 24-hour news networks, may no longer have any meaning at all within the next decade, leaving news watchers with nothing to watch but a bunch of wonks and a$$<BEEP!>.

Filibuster (n and v): 1) To seize control of the senate floor to prevent anything from getting done by the opposition (often indistinguishable from “business as usual”).

Fox News (n): When pronounced with a fair and balanced accent, sounds like “Faux News.”

Gonorrhea Lectim (n): Pronounced “gonna re-elect them,” it is a virulent viral strain contracted by listening to too much Ppam. Symptoms include apathy, obsessive name recognition, a burning sensation in the groin, and damaged nerve tissue that gives you the sensation you have been royally screwed…but just until the next election.

Governor (n): 1) On a rental truck, the device that keeps it in the slow lane. 2) An elected official who serves the same function for a state.

History (n): A vast wealth of knowledge, ideas, and examples of success and failure that provides invaluable tools for learning, but is often completely ignored by politicians. (From submission by Long-haired guy)

Homeland Security (n): It’s orange. (submitted by Tim C.)

Almost anything ending in “-Ism”: An ideology that in its purest form starts the trip to hell once the number of people in the hand basket exceeds ten.

Intelligent Design (n): The unscientific method of decorating scientific research by adding the word “Amen.”

Joe Six-pack (n and adj): 1) A platitude from a politician to an average working-class schmoe to get their vote and make them think the politician gives a damn about them. 2) A mediocre male with a pony-keg for an abdomen.

Kool-Aid (n): 1) A sickeningly-sweet, chemical-flavored infusion of political belief that it is required be consumed prior to access to any government money or power. 2) During the ’60’s, a drink spiked with mind-twisting, logic-shattering hallucinogens that made you see “make believe” and think it was real. (Editor’s note: We can’t see a difference between the definitions.)

Lobbying (v): 1) An activity associated with legislative mercenaries. (submitted by Jim) 2) Back-alley screwing. (submitted by Jim)

Lobbyist (n): 1) A legislative mercenary. (submitted by Jim) 2) A form of life (debatable?) employed by dark forces and tasked to troll the Capitol while plying politicians with gifts and guidance. (submitted by Jim)

Maverick (n and adj): Previously, it referred to a wild, untamed horse. In modern politics it seems to refer to any candidate who proclaims to think “outside the box” or repeats the phrase, “I’m a Maverick,” 432 times a day. While still open to debate, this noun also appears to have something to do with putting lipstick on pit bulls, but more research is needed. (from submission by Michael)

MSNBC (n): My Sanity Never Bludgeoned so Capriciously.

Opening Prayer (n): The fruitless act of invoking a higher power for guidance that legislators do not want and pointedly ignore. (Submitted by Jon)

Patriotism (n): 1) Once the last, has moved steadily up the ranks and strengthened its base to be both the first and last refuge of scoundrels. 2) For people with an agenda, a convenient excuse.

Poll (n): 1) A measure of opinion deified by the news for supposedly being able to tell what over 300 million people are thinking by asking 300 people you’ve never met, none of whom had thought about the question before it was asked. 2) Something that, like salt, should be taken in grains as immoderate consumption results in obese punditry. 3) A Frankenstein’s monster created from the carcasses of previous stories on a slow news day.

Pork (n): 1) When brought home by your representative: the honey glazed ham of wise governance. When given to someone else: wasteful, overpriced baloney. 2) A form of payment often demanded as ransom to end a filibuster.

Ppam (n): Promises by Politicians in America. Similar to spam, an obnoxious, socially reviled form of communication that pledges results the messenger has no intention of fulfilling.

Preemptive strike (n): A shortcut to a quagmire.

Press Conference (n): 1) An executive or legislative attempt to use the media to force an opinion on the public like an iron-on patch. 2) An advertisement for a new flavor of Kool-Aid. 3) Rarely, an informative meeting between an official and members of the press.

Press Secretary (n): 1) An administration official who, like a ventriloquist, can tell lies while other peoples lips are moving (esp. to reporters). 2) An administrative official with a doctorate in spit shining a turd.

Primary (n): 1) Process for stripping new ideas out of politics and ensuring that all will be “business as usual.” (submitted by Jon) 2) Pre-planned vacation by politicians from their elected responsibilities. (from submission by Jon)

Republican (n): Political equivalent of a Blood.

Revolutionary (n): 1) Dissatisfied member of the opposition to a government in power, willing to use violence to the point of dying in the attempt to change the regime. 2) In America, people who frequently call in on talk radio programs.

Sanctions (n): 1) The concrete-filled tire on the playground of diplomacy, located between the “Jungle Gym of Allies” and the dodgeball court of “My Army Can Beat Up Your Army.” 2) An imaginary diplomatic weapon that when used on non-democracies gives the sanctioned rulers an excuse to pass any inconvenience, real or imaginary, downward in their economy. 3) An excuse to suppress dissent and blame the US.

Shoe (n): 1.) A failed weapon of mass destruction (Richard Reed). (submitted by Long-haired guy)

Short Bus (n): The automotive device a panel of “experts” is transported to the studio of a 24-hour news network in.

Social Conservative (n and adj): A liberal who wants to change society based on a religious agenda. Often mistaken for a time traveling immigrant from “a simpler, better time….”

Socialism (n): An “-ism” that when applied too copiously can turn an entire nation into a bunch of unwanted children.

Straw poll (n): When done three years before an election, a way of determining which candidate will be put into the Wicker Man and sacrificed so the real candidate will emerge two and half years later.

Terrorism (n): 1) Murder with an “-ism.” 2) For people with an agenda, a convenient excuse.

Truck (n): A method of transportation often used as a stage prop by politicians to display their Real-American credibility.

Voters (n): The only people capable of being fooled all the time. (Submitted by Horne)

Voting Machine (n): 1) An incumbent’s best friend. 2) A symbol of unspeakable dread, terror, and unimaginable personal violation for folks who can’t alter the programming with “New Voter Math.” (for Amy)

Wonk (n and adj): A self-proclaimed expert who nods sagely about a subject, offers a strong opinion, but has actually cut the pocket linings out of his pants.