Real-Americans

From time to time, the talking heads on television speak of a new classification in identity politics, “Real-Americans.” This made us wonder, are we Real-Americans? And if not, who is and how do we become a Real-American? By learning a secret handshake, passing an entrance exam, or maybe by the extensive use of duct tape? And, most importantly, what are the criteria that make someone a Real-American? Lacking a definitive answer, we made a list of possible ingredients for making a Real-American and set out to determine the criteria for ourselves, to provide clarity to the term.

RACE

During the last election, there were accusations that the politicians and pundits, who most often spoke of Real-Americans, were backhandedly referring solely to white people. Who knows, maybe some of them were, but heck, racists come in all colors, just like stupid does, so we’re certain that a person’s race can’t be a criteria for Real-American. (Although in the course of the debate we determined that Klingons are possibly American, Vulcans are from Canada, and Wookies are, strangely enough, Brazilian). The Declaration of Independence says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,” ignoring, of course, any male enhancements, and going with the spirit of the words here, we’ll just pass over any historical hypocrisies and assume this is a statement of higher aspiration and natural rights.

RELIGION

There are also rumblings that the phrase Real-Americans is only used to refer to people of a Christian faith. Can only Christians be Real-Americans? Well, no, because of the First Amendment and the fact that most Americans can do a bad vaudeville Yiddish accent. How about the “Freedom to choose between Catholicism or Protestantism?” No, that would make us Northern-Irish. So, a person’s religious beliefs or lack thereof cannot be a benchmark for being a Real-American. (Although retaining the ability to laugh at one’s own religion helps.)

INCOME

Sometimes, Real-American seems to mean middle class, but we don’t feel there’s anything inherently wrong with being lower or upper class. Sometimes, in “the land of opportunity” that’s just a choice: the bohemian artist/perpetual student types on the one hand and drive-yourself-to-four-heart-attacks-and-an-early-grave on the other. But with hard work, gumption, opportunity, and luck, everyone risks success or failure, so remaining middle class doesn’t make one Real-American. Besides, don’t other countries have middle classes too?

GUNS

Owning a gun? Well, we do have the Second Amendment, the right to bear arms, but it’s not a requirement to bear arms (or mount a howitzer on a bear). You can choose not to have guns. So that’s out. (Although two-person on-line shooter games might be a requirement. We may have to research this further. If you wish to donate to further this research project, contact us and we will tell you where to send the Xbox and PS3.)

BIRTH

Being born in the United States of America? Well, it does make one an American citizen and gives us a kick-ass song to play in our cars. But, some people have immigrated to American and become citizens as well, improving and enriching the nation through their ingenuity and work. Also, the Statue of Liberty (don’t tell anyone she was born in France–shhh) still stands as a beacon to others that want to become Americans that they can come here and pursue a new life for themselves in this country. The accident of birth didn’t make Native Americans into citizens originally, so, being on the land first and being born here can’t figure into the historical and political context of being a Real-American.

SEX

What about being heterosexual? No. For two reasons: First, the pledge of allegiance doesn’t say “with liberty and justice for all…except gay people.” Second, no one has excluded from the death toll of 3,000+ from the attack on the World Trade Center the 120-300 gay people who died (depending on which statistic you use as the “gay population percentage”).

However, we’re not so sure about those with a certain fondness for livestock. We don’t want to ask, and, eww, we don’t want them to tell.

COMMON ENEMY

Does an inherent distrust or hatred of the French make someone a Real-American? Unfortunately, no. The English beat us to that by centuries and still have it going strong. And since we rebelled against Britain we can hardly say that an inherently British trait qualifies someone to be a Real-American. Although it may help with obtaining citizenship should you choose to move to England.

POLITICAL AFFILIATION

How about one’s political viewpoint? Could that make someone a Real-American? Well, going back to that First Amendment bit, since everyone is free to their own opinion and speech, agreeing or disagreeing with one of the talking head’s viewpoints can’t be a criteria. Even if the pundits and politicians may seem to think so, we don’t feel that they are correct.

CONCLUSION

So, if a citizen of any race, creed, sexual orientation, financial situation, living situation, or political viewpoint can be a Real-American regardless of whether or not they own guns and/or hate the French, who the heck are these politicians and pundits referring to? Well, we think they mean John Wayne (duh), Arnold Schwarzenegger (because he’s the only one who can pronounce the word California), Hulk Hogan (because his theme song says so), John Candy (because he invaded Canada), Cleavon Little (for breaking the color barrier in the Rock Ridge sheriff’s office), Oprah (for helping the auto industry), and maybe everyone else in America. We’re glad we figured this out.

- E=MC²