C² sat despondent at a desk in E=MC²’s secret lair, disregarding the laptop computer in front on him, when E and M returned from hunting down zombie rabbits that had risen three days after their deaths to bite the heads off of marshmallow peeps. 

“What’s wrong C²?” asked E.

“Anything eating zombie bunny stew would help?” asked M.         

“I doubt it,” said C², “my former high school asked me to give a graduation address to the students.”

“Why did they ask you?” questioned E.

“I fibbed on my Classmates.com profile and said I helped co-found a successful website.”

“Ours?” said E.

“I said ‘successful’.”

“Which website did you say you helped found.”

C² turned off screen saver and turned the computer towards them. (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Oh the Places You Shouldn’t Go…" »

We really wish we could improve on this story to make it funnier…but we can’t.  You win reality…this time.

- E=MC²

Continue reading "Moos Short: Defeated by Reality" »

His name was E. Sophagus Marianas.  He worked for an unnamed legislator,and was rumored as the only person on the planet who had read both H.R. 3590 and 3962.  The meeting that changed C²’s life began, ironically, in an emergency room. Marianas was there to be treated for thousands of paper cuts, while C² had some aftershave lotion replaced with a tube of super powerful adhesive by E, so his hands were stuck in his pants.

As Marianas sat at the edge of his seat, lifeblood leaking slowly on the floor, and C² sat carefully on his left cheek, trying not to break his right wrist, they talked.  Marianas explained the theory of triple constraints, a long established reality of engineering, construction, and systems in the real world.

“Look C², it’s very simple. In any system you can control the price or the exact features or how long to get something done.  It’s like a triangular teeter-totter, only two of the corners can touch the ground at a time. Make sense?”

C₂ nodded. “I can control price and what service I receive, but not when” He held up one finger. “Or I can control price and when I get help but not what I get.” He held up a third finger, momentarily glad he didn’t need to use the hand glued to his backside, “Or I can control what I get and when, but not how much it costs?”

“Right.”

C² thought for a moment. “So how is that different from today?” (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Infinite Possibilities" »

After the recording of Senator Wastrel T. Porkbarrel, E=MC² decided to set up their video and audio equipment in their secret lair of tripartisan collaboration and film themselves to see if it would be worthy to post on YouTube. The following transcript came from one of the recordings:

“What are you doing home so early?” M asked C² as C² entered the secret liar.

“I quit my job as a cubicle monkey at the local petting zoo,” C² replied, setting a fishing pole against the wall.

“What? Why? And what’s with the fishing pole?”

“Well, while I was flinging accounting poo at the project managers, I overheard a co-worker talking about how all these fairies that voted for Obama are taking his hard earned money so they can live the easy life and fish. So I figured, heck, I don’t want to work if I don’t have to, so I decided to do like these mythical voting-faeries do and quit my job so I can live off Bob-Jim’s paycheck like them.” (continue reading…)

Continue reading "Hoping for Change" »

This article says a poll indicates more people are starting to think that global warming claims are exaggerated.  In a related poll conducted by us, we found that 100% of inhabitable planets in the solar system don’t care what its habitants, or their polls, say.  When asked if one side of the global warming debate was correct in their opinions, the planet said, “No comment. But you’ll find out who’s right and wrong soon enough. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to continue to rotate and proceed along my orbit as dictated by physical laws that none of my current inhabitants fully comprehend and will continue to do so until my sun goes through an astronomical occurance that makes me uninhabitable like the rest of the planets. By the way, did you know that I travel around the sun at an average speed of 29.78 kilometers a second? Usain Bolt is a three-legged tortoise compared to me.”

- E=MC²

Continue reading "Moos Short: Global Skepticism?" »